Charlie Magdaleno: Blog

When I was a little boy, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to save the world, to be a hero.  I wanted to be an unbreakable pillar of ideals, a beacon of hope, of justice, of compassion.  I wanted to be the best of mankind.  I wanted to serve actively as a savior, and passively as an example of what we as people can be and should be.

For a while, in some respects, I was successful.  With nearly every encounter, I was able to provide honesty, empathy, intelligence and kindness to the lives of those I met.  There were sacrifices that were needed to be made on my end- time, personal wants and comforts; but that was always expected and understood- that was the point.  I wanted to show people that in their times of need, there was someone out there willing to put them before himself and face their crises alongside them.

Unfortunately, there was a flaw in the system, in my understanding.  While I worked to rectify the inequities of the lives of my fellow men and women, these fixes were only temporary.  Temporary in that life is not like a movie.  You can't save the day once and then expect the "damsel in distress" to now live happily ever after, without a single tear, or failure, or injustice in her life ever again.  The real world doesn't work that way.  For every resolution, for every moment of peace found, there is another catastrophe, another misfortune right around the corner.  

Tragically, I did not calibrate the level of greatness I would be holding myself to to the circumstances of reality.  So, inevitably, I began to fail.  Eventually, the failures piled up so much that they robbed me of my identity, of my sense of self-worth.  Worst of all, somewhere along the way, I simply stopped trying.  The reason being that, in my head, there was no "good enough", only "perfect" or "imperfect."  There was no success rate to bolster my resolve, simply success or failure.  So, considering I had already failed, I figured, "What's the point?"  So I abandoned my cause, myself and the people who needed me and became increasingly self-centered, selfish, self-indulgent and, as a result, self-loathing.  I was so depressed because I knew what I was capable of, what good I could still do for people, but I just didn't want to anymore.

That's when I realized the sad truth about my life: I was only happy NOT when I was putting others before myself, but rather when I thought I was.  I wanted to leave a positive impact on the lives of people, but while only having to be a temporary part of it.  I was willing to sacrifice moments in my life but not willing to change my life to be a significant force in others'.  I only wanted, or expected, to be there for someone until they didn't need me anymore, and then I would move on to someone or something else.

However, life isn't that simple.  When it comes to some people, some relationships, you never stop needing them and they never stop needing you.  I didn't prepare myself for that level of commitment, although I had already engaged in it.  So, of course I failed myself and my relationships.  When it came down to it, I took the easy road of "attempting" to be a hero to EVERYBODY instead of stepping up to the very real opportunity of being a hero for SOMEBODY.  I made bigger mistakes by dwelling on smaller ones I had already made.  I had truly failed, on the only scale, on the only level that mattered.

The reason I'm telling all of this to you is because it took all of this for me to find out that I'm not who I thought I was.  I've had the bittersweet opportunity to see all of my shortcomings, and the damage they can and have caused the people that I love and now I'm tasked with changing those things and repairing what I've broken.  

I want you to be able to recognize your own weaknesses without having to do the same.  So please, take the time to dissect who you are and who you are not.  Look at yourself honestly and establish where you are succeeding and where you are failing because those failures are just as much of who you are as your successes.  

The reason being is that you cannot afford to have a false sense of self, nor can you afford to give others a misrepresentation of who you are, regardless of who you "think" you are, because eventually, when the chips are down, you're going to find out the truth and it may not be what you want or expect.  

However, the inspiring thing about it all is that once you've established who you've been and who you are now, you can DECIDE who you are from now on.  It's not only your choice but, to me at least, your responsibility to be the best of yourself.  However, at the same time, you can't let those moments when you're not to compromise that aim.  

You can spend a quarter-or-so of a lifetime finding this out like I have, or you can make the conscious and purposeful discovery now.  I truly want for you to make the most of yourself and your life, and discovering and deciding who you are is vital to that.

I hope there's something you're able to take and consider from this week's lengthy entry, and like I've said before, I'll continue to try and give you the best of me as consistently as I can.  

All the best,

Charlie